Japan passed a new set of laws that has made it very difficult to use an international license if you are residing here. Basically, if you are a resident, you must have been outside of Japan for at least 3 months before you can start using your international license. It is then good for a maximum of one year. However, if you leave the country and then come back in again within 3 months, that invalidates the license, according to the Fukuoka Police. If you have an accident, you may be arrested, fined 300,000 yen, refused permission to drive in Japan for a year, and your insurance company may refuse to pay out. This law is only sporadically enforced, so it is a question of whether you can risk it or not. I would have risked it, but for a new child, and an aggressively risk-averse spouse.

I was trying to steel myself for the inevitable failure, and repeated humiliation at the hands of sadistic bureaucrats. I had heard of people failing 15 times, each time costing several thousand yen and a pointless day away from work. To pass after the 2nd time was the equivalent of a gold medal I was told. The first time is there simply to humble the foreigner, so don’t even sweat it. Just go and fail so you can get the whole process started. Half the fun would be seeing what arcane reason they could come up with for failing me. Would it be chewing gum, wearing Old Spice After Shave (a very good reason, in fact), lifting my pinky off the wheel during a turn? I agreed to write about the experience, not only to help others, but to give myself some small reason to justify going through the gauntlet. So, I was ready. They might berate me, waste my time and money, test the limits of my emotional endurance, but in the end they would just be fueling my story which would be posted on the Internet to their great shame. Well, so I told myself. In the end, it worked out a bit differently than I had planned.

I got the license on the first try.

Well, evidently the gods and Japanese bureaucrats share a common sense of humor. I had achieved the impossible, but my great unwritten expose of the sadistic Japanese motor vehicle bureaucracy was squashed before I could turn on the laptop. It was as if Odysseus had gotten back to Ithaca in a day and half. “Odyssey” would have been English for “an uneventful daytrip.” My hopes of writing an epic dashed, I salvaged what I could from the wreck of ill-timed success and came up with a new title:

HOW TO GET YOUR JAPANESE LICENSE IN ONE DAY

If you are from certain countries, such as the UK and Canada, you can get your license without too much fuss and, more importantly, without a road test. This is probably because those countries are notoriously corrupt and have paid enormous bribes to someone in Tokyo, keeping dozens of bottomless shabu-shabu dens in business. The US government would never, under any circumstances, pay a bribe or even lift a finger simply to help their ex-pat taxpayers. They are far too busy for the likes of us.

Please remember that each testing center is different. I was tested in Fukuoka, and there is a chance of passing in one shot. An American woman had passed earlier that month I was told (with an odd leer, or maybe I imagined that). They are rather polite and helpful in Fukuoka, and seem to want most people to pass. This may not be the case everywhere. As far as I know, there may be testing centers where they want to see each and every applicant struggle until they break and throw themselves in front of a test car begging to be allowed to die.

STEP ONE: Study the links below:

http://www.unten.com/lesson/index.html
In Japanese, but with flash animations

http://www.globalcompassion.com/driving.htm
In English. I tried to e-mail them with no success. If I could I would post their info here as well, to save myself some writing. Instead, I’ll post the link as required reading. It worked for me. If somebody who knows them read this, please contact me.

Without these, I wouldn’t have had a chance. The road test is filled with quirky but specific requirements. Get it out of your head that it in any way reflects on your driving ability. What they are really testing is your ability to adapt to Japan.

STEP TWO: Look good.

I have to admit that I came with my 19 month-old daughter in tow, which is like packing 2 mega-tons of charm power. I know that using toddlers is a cheap trick, but her dad works hard and it’s the least she can do to help out. See if you can’t borrow a friend’s baby. If you can’t (“I loaned you a 2 year old last month, and you still haven’t returned him.”), then there are other ways to make yourself so appealing that the tester will not be able to resist passing you.

a) Be physically attractive. This is probably useless for the men reading this, as the testers are also men (though who knows?). In fact, this may be dangerous in general, if the tester is the romantic type, and fails you just so you can meet again. So, forget it.

b) Dress properly. Japanese law forbids driving with sandals, we were told, and one woman had to run to the shoe store before she could drive. Aside from legal requirements, it pays to dress as though you respect the people testing you. If you dress like you don’t care, they may assume you don’t care about getting the license either.

c) Be polite and friendly. If you are criticized or lectured by any of the testers, listen politely and thank them for their helpful suggestions, apologize even. This may sound a bit masochistic, but Japanese relations between superiors (the tester) and inferiors (sorry, but that’s you) can be a bit more rough than what we are used to. If they think you don’t respect them, you will certainly fail.

d) Act humble. Let them see that you are trying hard, and worried about failing. Don’t prance about as though it’s all a breeze. One guy did this while I was there, and he failed the perfunctory written test. Too bad, I would have loved to see him on the test track.

Still, it’s worth remembering that attitude is the most important rule you can follow, and will allow you to slip by with numerous other errors. The test is arcane in such a way that it is very, very difficult to complete without even one slip-up. If you irritate the tester, he will not have a problem finding fault. On the other hand, if you display the right attitude, you may be forgiven several mistakes, as long as they are not one of the major screw-ups (listed below). I made several mistakes (I drove in the right, rather than left, lane at two points, I held the steering wheel backhanded at one point, and I drove too near the center lane in general), but I still passed. A wise man once said, “The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.”

STEP THREE: Don’t sweat the written test

It is very easy. 7 out of 10 questions will be common sense, and you only need 7 out of ten to pass. Study up on Japanese traffic rules if it makes you feel better. If you do fail the written test, there is no need to be ashamed – it was probably bad luck or something. Just don’t tell your friends, though. Loser.

STEP FOUR: Try to memorize the course before you drive it, as you will be fully occupied trying to impress the tester and don’t want any distractions. You will be given a map of the course, and will be able to view the course from where you wait.

STEP FIVE: Watch the other cars going through the course.

In Fukuoka, those converting a foreign license go last. Other drivers will be doing a more difficult test than yours, but they will use the same track. Observe how they drive. Watch how they turn, and watch when they use the blinkers. Watch how they stop, and for how long. Try to pick up all the details you can, and they will be fresh in your mind when you are tested..

STEP SIX: Use the practice lap.

You get one practice lap. If you’re lucky, the tester may give you a few tips while you drive it. Listen carefully, but don’t pry too hard. Technically, you are not supposed to talk to the tester too much.

STEP SIX: Use your imagination, and acting skills.

Though you may be the only one on the course, act as though you are on real roads filled with real traffic. You will need to drive carefully, and look around a lot. See all those imaginary cars, bikes and scooters out there? You should, because the tester does.

A few more hints….

GETTING IN THE CAR

1- Walk to the front of the car. Look forward and backward and make sure there is nothing in front of the tires. Exaggerate your movements so that the tester will actually see that you are looking. Don’t worry about looking ridiculous, just do it.
Then walk to the back of the car and repeat the same actions. Finally get ready to open the door (If you want, you can look under the car as I did. Can’t hurt.) Before you open the door, look again up and down the road and open the door partway. Don’t swing it all the way open, just enough to get in.

Place your left hand on the steering wheel as you get in. Keep your right hand on the door. Close the door slowly to within about 15cms of being shut. Pause and look to make sure someone’s head is not stuck in it, and then close it the rest of the way. Make your actions obvious to the tester, or all this silliness will be for nothing.

Now, fasten your seat belt. Then very obviously adjust the seat position. Do this even if it’s not necessary. Then check and adjust the mirrors. Even if they are fine, just wiggle them a bit and return them to the original position. Make sure the car is in Park, and the handbrake is on.

Start the engine while your foot is on the brake. Then adjust the side mirrors if you haven’t already done so. Release the handbrake, put the car in drive, and get started.

DRIVING

1- Remember to use your winker any time you turn, change lanes or merge. You will probably merge when you first pull onto the course. Turn the winker on as soon as possible in all cases, but not so far ahead that it is confusing.

2- Every time you approach an intersecting street, look both ways. Say “hidari OK” and “migi OK” if you have the time. If you have a lot of time, say “ushiro OK” for good measure. Say it out loud. It tells the tester that you are looking. If it’s all too much, just make sure you dramatically crane your head all three ways at all intersections and turns and mutter an occasional migi, hidari.

3- When you turn, don’t forget to look left and right, but also behind you, just in case a crazed kid on a scooter is coming up your flank (a real possibility in Japanese traffic).

4- Stay on the correct side of the road. This mistake happens more often than you might think. Driving on the wrong side is an automatic failure.

5- Don’t hit anything. If your car touches the curb, the gutter or anything besides the road, you are out.

6-Basically, stay in the left lane unless you are turning or passing. I don’t advise passing anything during your road test. If you are on an extra wide lane, stay to the left side of that. Driving too near the middle of the road will fail you.

7- When you turn left, first angle the car to the tight left side of the road, and then make a sharp, clean turn. A wide arcing left may fail you. When you turn right, first steer towards the middle of the road, but not over the center-line! Then make the turn aiming for the left lane.

8-Drive slowly. Drive painfully slow, in fact. There are no penalties for driving slowly, and you can use the extra time to make sure you turn on your winkers in time, look left, right and behind, and mutter “migi yoshi, hidari yoshi.”

9- Don’t brake while you are in a turn, unless it is one of those tight s-curves.

10- Make sure you stop with the car BUMPER behind the white stripe on the road. If the bumper crosses over, you foul out. Also be sure to stop within a meter of the stripe, so don’t be too cautious. Make sure you stop for a full 3 seconds at any stop sign or red signal.

STOPPING

This last bit is simple enough. Make sure you pull the handbrake when you park, and don’t hit the curb! If the tester lectures you, act contrite. If he fails you, don’t get angry. You may very well be testing with him again, and will need his goodwill. Acting slightly pathetic may help.

In Fukuoka, if you fail, you can go back the very next day and try again. Eventually, unless you are terrifically annoying, some tester will take pity on you and pass you. Maybe you can be the one to write the saga I had planned. But, since it is your time and money, I advise trying to get it right the first time.

If, on the other hand, you pass, please send me a suitably gracious e-mail. Gifts are also accepted.

Just remember – This is NOT a test of your driving skills, any more than tea ceremony courses test how efficiently you make tea. Think of this as another arcane Japanese ritual, where your attitude and respect for traditions are being tested, and you will do fine.