planning a trip with the kids? looking for something a little bit more original than disney? or maybe you want the kids to experience something educational while they’re having fun. well if your visiting japan, korea, china, or vietnam; you might consider the following amusement parks.

probably NSFW

seagaia ocean dome:miyazaki, japan
presumably created for people who wanted to go to the beach, but not actually swim in the ocean or tan, or for those who want to feel ostentatiously pretentious when when going to a water park; this is quite possibly the most unnecessary building ever built.
written about extensively on japundit, i’ll quickly go over the main points.

pop quiz: in three seconds or less, what is wrong with this picture?

A. it is a water park with a $50(converted) entrance fee, built on an island in a city renowned for its climate and surf, and only 1000 feet away from the shore. that’s basically it.

think about the fun time you’ll have explaining to your son why the water smells urine, the air feels stale, the ojichan won’t stop staring at him. and the educational experience of being in a building which is a microcosm of why the japanese economy is in the toilet. it is a textbook example of the mis-allocation of capital that occurs when when centralized banks force an artificially low interest rate creating a credit cycle resulting perverse incentives for banks to finance projects that should have never seen the light of day. now these projects have to be written off as huge losses to the banks and the projects are either liquidated or sold off to new management (seagaia’s two first owners shut it down and sold it) who try to scrape a profit by slashing costs where ever they can.

and the possibilities of experiments with chemistry. be sure to bring beakers for both the ocean and the seagaia water, litmus paper to test acidity, and when you’re done with your vacation you can send the samples into a lab to find out which is less deadly.

ahh…the possibilities…for fun!

love land: cheju island, south korea
this is a place for those more romantically inclined. or perverts. either way there are many pieces of erotic art and educational tools to assist a potential visitor. Like a mountain masturbating, a sex simulator, and comical instructional statues.

the importance of a wingman

mommy, daddy help! The dogs are stuck together!!!**

why are asian women superior, son? because doing this doesn’t put your back out.

and think of the experience for the kids. no more questions about “the birds and the bees” from them, this place just about covers it all. though they may need therapy to get rid of reoccurring nightmares of giant stone phalli chasing them down a mountain. but then again what are childhood memories if not a series of emotionally scarring moments permanently burned into your mind?

Beijing Shijingshan:Beijing, China
ever wonder what disneyland would be like if it was created by a business collaboration of the pirate bay and an engrish writer? well look no further. but wait, the owners deny any intellectual theft, and with characters like duck and girl cat, i think we can all agree that they are being unfairly victimized.

the tackiest place on earth

nothing to see here

snow white: the untold story

still need more? i do!

having been sued multiple times by disney and others, the theme park has repeatedly changed its characters to keep one step ahead of the law. the “added” experience for the kids? well how about a crash course in copyright law and a new understanding of the limitations of legal jurisdictions. or how about the important lesson about how diluting an artist’s original work not only ruins it utterly, but also destroys the reputation of the artist. with these in mind you could have an informed discussion of what should and shouldn’t be public domain and why.

suoi tien cultural amusement park: ho chi minh city, vietnam
ever wanted to put the fear of eternal damnation into your kids while doing your best to help that fear come to fruition? there isn’t a parent alive that hasn’t. well now that dream can come true with a visit to the most disquieting place on earth! part water park / part hellish freakshow / part idol filled faux paradise, this place is nothing if it isn’t morally educational.

that’s not creepy at all

you can start of the day by chilling in a model of paradise; it even has a steaming hot pool! and dragons with wide open, razor sharp teeth filled mouths! and fierce eyes! faces sneering at you from unsurmountable tall cliffs! in other words, buddhist heaven!

once you’ve had your fill of that, take the whole family into the life size model of hell ride. it’ll be a great time filled with nervous laughter as you and your children watch your ultimate fates unfold in front of your very eyes. be sure to point out to little jimmy what happens to little boys who steal cookies and then lie about it. give little sally a good view of the tortures that await promiscuous women. it’ll be an unforgettable experience for the little tykes.

after all this the little ones might want to meet the man supposedly responsible for this, and oh say, punch the bastard in the balls. well they will have plenty of opportunity in the wooded areas around the perimeter the park literally filled to bursting with cheap gold painted buddhas. there are graven images for the whole family.

and when you’re done you can tease 6000 live crocodiles with meat!

i hope i’ve opened your mind to the possibilities that await the adventurous family throughout asia. feel free to book visits to them on your next trip. and remember, have fun!

*hat tip to cracked.com, don fulano, and wincen

**real quote from a young child